Though your spirit visited me three years before your
official birth in a marvelous preparatory experience; though you announced your
forthcoming arrival spirit-to-spirit (Mother’s Day 1992) and I rejoiced with
that announcement; though I offered my body (exhaustion, nausea, uncomfortableness)
for nine months as you developed within me, then the labor and delivery that
gave you life; though I lovingly obliged swaddling and nursing you from my body
for another twelve months; though I changed your diapers, wiped your nose, read
you story-after-story, held you and soothed you, fed you, taught you, held you
more, laughed with and explored this beautiful world with you, loved you
unfalteringly… (All of this and more is
tenderly conveyed in my life story), you were physically ripped from me then
systematically emotionally stripped from me when you were only ten… still so
young, still developing that conscience and your ability to reason on your own. I then had to watch from the side-lines as I viewed
from a distance the implanted stories that superseded and twisted the Real
Truth of our relationship. Though and
through all this… I have respected your time table of living your adopted reality.
I have hoped and invited that you would be open enough, or
at least sufficiently curious, to investigate “the rest of the story.” I have spent hundreds of hours writing my
autobiography, hoping that, though you were not yet ready to open up your mind
and heart to verbally ask me to fill in the many holes in your understanding, offering
you another possible alternative view (mine), perhaps you would feel more
comfortable to read and consider “My Truth” in solitude. Perhaps you have judged that my life story
would be filled with anger, retaliation, inventions, dishonesty. If so, then you truly do not know me. All of your childhood I worked vigilantly to
instill within you the creed of respect for all. I would feel great disappointment if you ever
chose to dis-respect your biological father.
Or your grandparents. Or the LDS
Church which you have, with and through them, embraced. I have not, will not, verbally nor in writing dis-respect
them… or anyone. Yet, if I did not allow the truth of my life
to at least be available to be read and considered, I would be violating my own
self-respect. Thus, I have invested
those hundreds of hours, dollars, and offered multiple invitations for you to
at least consider a viewpoint that you have not yet been fully privy to.
Planned paradox, Jesus’ gospel caused cultural and familial
rifts as well. Joseph’s desired reiteration
of the pure gospel did, too. Indeed,
every culture, through many dispensations of time, have allowed for established
groups (political, geographical, cultural, familial) to transition and
mutate. July 24th marks Utah’s
celebration of their “pioneers.” Ironically,
those who then choose to “pioneer” to more advanced (at least in their own
minds and hearts) levels of truth are ostracized, shunned, and deemed “unworthy”
of even being fully included in celebratory occasions… even of their own beloved
children. Now I am judged “not worthy”
of fully participating and witnessing you in your self-proclaimed “most important moment of your most
important day of your life.” Yet, I am
the one who made that life possible.
Likewise, though I have adamantly and repeatedly conveyed
that I support your decisions in your life, including your decision of who to
marry and even where and by whom to marry… you have not offered that same
respect to me. I have not stipulated
that you call David (Seely) “dad”. Respectfully, you could call him any name, I
know he would not mind; as long as it was done in respect and while
acknowledging that he is, as Morgan is to you, MY partner. Though
it further stabbed my heart and proceeded to place a greater wedge in our
relationships, in 2004 you and your siblings were told NOT to call nor refer to
ME any longer as “Mommy” but that Jennifer was now granted that title and that she was your "eternal mother." Yet, even though David (Seely) and I have
freely, joyfully, and on multiple occasions offered our home, our food, our
love, our respect, etc. to YOU, your siblings and your friends, you choose to
not acknowledge nor welcome him except to placate me. Yes, Our marriage was performed by One to whom
you do not give authority. Yet it (our
union) is every bit as “legal” and “lawful” in our God’s eyes as any other.
The LDS church would
say that since I chose to dissociate and later relinquish its authorized temple
sealing, then I am no longer a part of your “eternal family unit” after
all. Ironically, it was my inquisitiveness
and my open mind, wanting the highest truth possible… at all cost… that led me
from my active association with that group, yet allowed me to find that “Pearl
of GREAT PRICE.” I have no regrets
whatsoever my thirty-eight years of solid, full-hearted service and membership
within the LDS ranks. Those experiences
were profoundly necessary stepping stones for me. However, I am profoundly grateful that my “broken
heart and contrite spirit” allowed me to fully open up to the realization that
the pure gospel of Christ that I was intensely seeking membership in had been
hi-jacked. Yet, aware of the tenacious tentacles of any
and all “churches,” I have endeavored to primarily allow other individuals,
even my own biological children, to spiritually mature and awaken in their own
time and way, with just occasional hints and with enduring love and respect for
their own spiritual time-line.
Tanner,
I raised you to be sensitive, to be respectful, to be my friend. This is what I want; an equal, respectful
relationship. Gratefully, you freely
acknowledged that I have “no malice whatsoever in (my) heart.” Yet, I do have experience in my heart. And wisdom made available from deeply pondering
on that experience. I know that temples are the Mormon religion's
most sacred places and only Mormons who obey the church's teachings are allowed
within. TRULY I understand this… been there, done that… with ALL OF MY HEART! I know that you hold temple marriage among your
most important goals. I KNOW that
Mormons believe a temple wedding seals a marriage for eternity, to last even
after death. It is a treasured cornerstone of the faith. I KNOW that your God
and your Church Authorities come before me and our relationship. Yet, the irony is strong: I have dedicated my life to the search of
Real Truth, respect for All, globally living in harmony as ONE (singular)
ETERNAL FAMILY of a mutual “Father.”
I
know that on this “most important day of your life” you want me to be outside
the temple, waiting. I know that you
will come out after the ceremony and look for your mother's smile - a silent
assurance that everything is OK. I know
you love me. I know that, in your own
way and clouded by your own experiences and the way those experiences have been
programmed into your memory, you believe you are maneuvering through this “most
important day of your life” to the best of your ability. I truly believe that you have thought deeply,
weighing all variables and, together with Morgan, come up with what you believe
to be the best scenario to create this “most important day of your life” as
harmoniously as possible.
Though
I have four times before, I can no longer stand and wait outside a place that
promises eternal families, but stands between me and my child. My God would never ask this of a mother, or a
son. My God invites you to make the very
best of this “most important day of your life” without my physical presence. Yes, I will be smiling. Yes, I will be beaming respect and support of
your decision. Yes, I will gladly
welcome Morgan into my heart and home, acknowledging her as your wife, my
daughter-in-law. Your future children
will be preciously loved as my grandchildren.
Yet, because of all the judgments and lack of respect and full
disclosure of those attending and their smiles of “all’s well in zion, yea,
zion prospereth” when I know fully well… it does not (!), my support and smiles
will be from a distance. If you choose
to visit, and you are heartily welcomed to… with pure respect and non-judgment…
you and Morgan will be given a simple
reception at our dinner table, with our simple thrift-store clothes and
home-cooked meal; yet, with unfaltering love for you both. Husband and wife. Joining your individual journeys back to a
mutual Father in one grand adventure.
Though
I had planned on participating to the degree that I was invited and deemed “worthy”
in this “most important day of your life,” I had also planned on participating
fully from that eventful visit three years prior to your birth and throughout
all your childhood… and into and through eternity. Those plans also were changed. Though I was there for almost continual 24/7
care and nurturing for your first ten years, I have since been the recipient of
the oft-given message that I’m “not worthy” any longer to be included in many
things, including your “most important day” as your “mother” and in company
with others who respect me and WANT me in their company.
Tanner
and Morgan, you have every right to believe and worship according to the
dictates of your own conscience (A of F 11).
Also, Matthew 10: 37, a verse
that, I believe, you believe, states that: He that loveth father or mother
more than me is not worthy of me. Having been where you are now in my beliefs, I
understand how you interpret this (and all other holy writ). I endorse you living in alignment with your
interpretation of that, and would not ask you to do otherwise. Probably you also believe: “Where two or more are gathered together IN
MY NAME there will I be also.”
No matter your beliefs, your conscience, your perspective,
how you interpret “IN MY NAME,” I live my life IN THE NAME OF “CHRIST”…
as I KNOW HIM. I welcome you and Morgan,
and anyone else, to visit me, David and Krystal, with respect for each of us
and our union… even if you hold differing viewpoints. Our home will continue to be open to you and
your friends… in respect of our mutual perspectives, yet, if desired, a
receptive place to laugh, enjoy camaraderie and even mutually engage in
open-hearted exploration. This is what
my Christ’s life and gospel is all about.
My life as well.
Tanner,
regardless of how you and Morgan choose to read and interpret the words that I have
used to portray the deepest yearnings of my heart, I choose to focus on the bond
we have had for 24 years. Even though
that bond has been snatched and twisted by others, in my heart a “holographic
image” remains. No one, no church, no
outside stories, are going to take that away from me. I truly believe that, eventually, the reality
of that bond will again match its original essence.
Although
I have given you very little monetarily or materialistically in preparation for
your future life and marriage, like the “Widow’s Mite,” my offerings have been
done with great love and honor for you and your choices. Your life, your earliest foundational
experiences, hopefully, have been blessed because of my simple, yet sincere
offerings.
I
deeply love you both.
I wish
you joy on your journey.
I welcome
you with joy when you choose to respectfully acknowledge MY union with David,
ME as your mother. In my heart, you will
never, could never, be ex-communicated from my eternal family unit nor
disassociated if that association is participated in with mutual respect.
Warmly,
tenderly, enduringly, unfaltering, “I charity you.” Mom
