Going “Home”

April 22, 2001, a day that could have been just “an ordinary Sunday” for most anyone else… changed my life in a pivotal way. Probably the synchronicity of events worked perfectly in my behalf. I had given birth to Harmony (my 8th child) the previous August and “taken off” the next two or three Sundays, enjoying being home alone with just my new little angel. Then, for most of the next few months, I was a regular substitute in either the youngest Primary classes, Primary Chorister, or with the nursery toddlers. I realized that being with these young children and sharing the pure, undiluted principles of “the gospel,” (basically, “be kind because everyone is your neighbor”, etc.) was what the gospel of Jesus Christ was really all about. That was exactly where “Jesus” would have chosen to be.  These children were warm, responsive and had “the Mormon Glow” (see my answer to this question if interested).  Although I did maintain my monthly Relief Society teaching calling for the sisters, most of my church experiences were, for those several months, with the pure-in-heart children.

However, after taking Parker (my 7th child, two years old at that time) to his nursery class on this particular morning, I realized that “Since I’m not substituting today, I guess it’s time for me to attend class with my age-peers.”  This choice allowed for a pivotal experience. Sitting near the back of the chapel in the Gospel Doctrine class, I saw my dear friends in attendance, watched a man I very much liked “teach” them from the “authorized” material, and yet I saw, superimposed over the scene, this “teacher” plugging pacifiers into the adult “students’” mouths and “lulling them off to sleep” with his words, words that came from a prescribed book from the “authorities.” It seemed to me that the members were zombies just sitting in attendance for their “weekly transfusion.”

As I sat there and allowed myself to just open up my gaze and look, really look, I was seeing the same scene I had seen multiple times throughout my life; and yet my eyesight now seemed to have changed. My dear friends were nothing but robots… lukewarm child robots with no blood pumping in their own veins, no life in their eyes, no passion moving them. My heart felt ready to break. I had seen them before, of course, I had sat through literally thousands of Sunday School classes. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, things seemed to have changed. Or was it me?

Stunned at this familiar scene that I was finally really witnessing, I watched… really watched… for several minutes. Then, in despair, I offered up a silent prayer, “Father, what do I do? What do I do?!”

“Go home,” I felt in answer.

In amazement, I did go home. But not immediately. Having never even ditched a class in high school and having given 1000% of myself to “the church” throughout my entire life, this moment was a real struggle within me as I initially tried to subjugate what felt to be a bizarre call to rebellion.  And, though I took it somewhat quickly, I unconsciously allowed myself to break it down into steps.

I went first to my (then) husband’s 14-year-old Sunday School class. Here was the same scenario acted out, just with younger actors and on a smaller stage. The seven or eight teenagers in attendance were anywhere but within their physical bodies sitting on those metal chairs. Looking around, I saw the glazed look of the eyes and the body language that communicated that they were merely “doing their time.”

David was teaching about Joseph Smith’s “first visitation”—an experience that, to my understanding at that time was a profoundly pivotal and thrilling experience that could give LIFE to anyone who listened with ears to hear and a heart to understand. Yet, David droned on in the same robotic re-hashing that these youngsters had probably heard scores of times before. After a few minutes, I smiled a weak “thank you and excuse me,” gathered up Harmony and my bags and… walked the few blocks home.

Putting my baby down to sleep, I stretched myself out on my bed and let sobs shatter forth from my body. My heart was breaking open, letting many years of unexpressed confusion and emotion flow out. I bawled. I pounded my fists upon the mattress. I sobbed sobs which had yearned for release for quite some time. Finally, I was able to speak: “Father, I would scrub toilets for the rest of my life if that would help you in your kingdom. Where do you want me? Where can I serve you the most?”

In answer, I received, “You can serve me the most where your heart feels the most comfortable” (repeated three times). I marveled as the words sank in… deeper and deeper. I pondered. I was “still” and waited… and as my heart warmed and expanded to allow understanding to open up to me, I “listened” to my feelings, my inner wisdom.

Where DID I feel comfortable? In the church that I had thought every day of my life was HIS? I had to admit, no. Although I had for all of my life desired to attend and serve within it, I no longer did. My attempts now felt fruitless.

I was then told, “Then I don’t want you there.”

I pondered on the myriads of opportunities that I had been given and accepted in my attempts to pour forth the intensity of my love, faith and enthusiasm for living what I believed with all of my heart to be “the true gospel of Jesus Christ” with its “saving ordinances” to my fellow brothers and sisters. (I had had my first “calling” in “the church” at 13 years old, as Primary Pianist.  I had since been Laurel Class President, had given the Commencement speech in High School Seminary Graduation, served and presided over thousands of young adults at BYU as the Stake Activities Director [in the now Provo Tabernacle turned Temple], been Stake Primary President at the young age of 25, served in several other stake and ward leadership positions over the next decade, completely supported my husband in his Bishopric and Stake callings, contributed whole-heartedly in each and every way I possibly could throughout my nearly 40 years of life.

I had intently and with real desire to KNOW and APPLY the jewels of the Book of Mormon to my life read and studied it dozens of times and over thousands of hours.)  I thought of the many times I had attended classes and activities with the prayer in my heart to be “His voice,” “His hands,” “as He directs.” So often I had sensed the apparent life-lessness of others in attendance, and yet I had felt and convinced myself that my love and passion could and really would help. Now, however, I had changed. And as I opened up to a literal course-change, it was with some trepidation and unknowing, yet with conviction and a reservoir of peace that empowered me. In awe and amazement, I realized that… I was not going back.

Needless to say, this caused no small stir within my world. After a few weeks of not attending and of gently requesting to the Relief Society President to be released from my teaching calling among the women, the Bishop called and asked to talk with me. He and others assumed that I must have had my feelings hurt in some way or another. I had not. I just simply did not “fit” in their church any more. I was realizing that my “church” inside me was far more real than any mortal sanctuary and its proscribed regulations.

I also realized, and claimed the right to have no “middle-man” in my personal and very real relationship with divinity. I wanted out of any and all “boxes.” I wanted the FULLNESS of truth… with no barriers, no walls. I wanted to know the REAL truth and to let that truth completely set me free.

I saw the handful of times that I had gone to my “Bishops,” “Stake Presidency” or “Temple Workers” with sincere questions and needs… only to feel that “they were just as ignorant as anyone else, only some of them placed themselves higher than others upon the hierarchy of mankind. The reason why not one of them ever had offered me a surer link to “God” than I had manifested repeatedly for myself by myself was because… none of them could! They were simply other human beings wandering blindly down their own paths, unaware of the pure and piercing lights of their own souls, thus, unable to be a light for me or anyone else!

Now, however, the bishop implored me to come back, stating that “many women in the ward had said that they didn’t feel the spirit any more without (me) in their classes.” I looked him deeply in the eyes and said, “Bishop, the women and the ward do NOT need ME, they need to find the Spirit for themselves. I will always continue to love them and desire to be their friend as long as they would like, but I am choosing to no longer participate in the church.” I pondered on what I should do with my church “membership,” but felt impressed to, “Let them do with you whatsoever they wish.”

My children each came to me within the next few days (although my oldest one did not for a few weeks) and asked if they could stay home with me and have me teach them on Sundays, each expressing their own “reason” and feelings. I always responded that, as always, I wanted them to tune into, listen to and follow their own divine direction, and that I would support the direction that they felt to go. Thus began some tremendously liberating and wondrously fun Sundays.

David, however, was intensely afraid and confused, expressing great anger. How DARE I give up on that which was the most important element in life… the “one and only true church upon the earth?!”

But, I did dare.  And, looking back, it is that very courage, that element that said, “I want truth at ALL costs!” that paved my way and prepared me for life “beyond.” That same daring continues to lead me further still.  I have NO REGRETS that I was originally raised with the gospel according to “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.”  Because I had not read nor sought “anti” materials, was not “offended,” and because I did not yet utilize the internet that swiftly then became available, I truly followed no one, but my own inner compass.  However, since that day in April, 2001, I have been led to further and further amazing truths that have shed profound light on, “the church” and the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, Jr., the Endowment and Temple Work, Jesus Christ,  the “priesthood,” etc. etc. etc.  Truly, following with greater and greater confidence and clarity, “this little light of mine” inside has brought me the precious “pearl of great price,” and, yes, “the Truth, the Real Truth, has set me free!”

My joys, my understandings, my true relationships, my “Knowing” of “Jesus the Christ” and all those I had so earnestly sought to “Know” for those prior 40 years, has come to fruition.  Not within any man-made walls or sanctuaries, but within my own  physical frame, I have found “the peace that passeth all understanding.”  (All of that, and so much more, I will save for later posts.)  For those who need to be pacified, need “the milk of the gospel,” let them suck where their hearts feel the most comfortable, whomever their surrogate parent.    For me, I want to experience and understand the heights, the depths, all that was originally promised me.  No “robotic” life for me!  Although I want this for everyone else, too, I realize that we all have our own time table.  Though my “leaving” the LDS Church caused great rifts in many lives, I have since come to peace for those others as well, knowing that we each get that which we really, truly want.  For those who want that which the LDS Church offers, I truly support their feasting at that table.  For me, my heart now enjoys what to me tastes far more exquisitely delicious and needs no three-hour per week “re-fill” because I continually feast and am filled.

What is the “Mormon glow”?

(The following is my response to J Joe Townley's question which I posted on Quora:)

Thank you, J Joe Townley, for asking this question.  But, before I proceed to answer it, and with a desire to know more about the perspective of the “asker”... you, I went to your profile.  I saw there that you are a musician, a composer, a lover of classical music.  So am I.  Perhaps with lesser skill than you, but nevertheless, I feel a respect for your interest in music.  What I did not find was if you, yourself, are a “Mormon” or believe You have “the glow.”  I hope that my answer is written in a way that you will find understanding, regardless of your situation. 

Having been a deeply committed “Mormon” for most of my life, I have chosen to disassociate myself from that organization for the past 16 years yet maintain a deep love for the people as well as profound gratitude for my experiences within their midst.  Perhaps my perspective can be particularly beneficial.  Here goes:

The “Mormon Glow” is a literal physical phenomenon.  Although many in our culture do not have access to the sensorial ability to “see” a physical light within and surrounding a human body... in this case, a “Mormon”... some throughout the ages have, and some still do have, “eyes that see.”  Most individuals might argue this point, saying:  “I have two eyes on my face, they work fairly well.  Of course I can see!”    Yet, I would declare that Helen Keller, though blind with her two facial eyes, “saw” much clearer than most in our present generation.  Obviously, there are other ways to “see.”  Although a natural birth-right, this sensorial ability has been largely bred out of “civilized” culture.  But not entirely.  You, J Joe, are obviously aware to some degree.  You obviously have eyes that are not entirely blind.  Yes.  There IS a “Mormon Glow.”.

As a musician, you must be very aware that music is a vibration within the energy field.  Vibration within this degree is capable of being perceived by most human ears.  Truly, it can be said that “music is what feelings sound like.”  Music is also what light sounds like when transposed to the auditory octave.  Additionally, light is what music sounds like when transposed to the visible range.  Many species of animals can hear and respond to a far greater degree of auditory tones than most humans.  Others are acquiring (or re-acquiring) other sensory abilities.  Just because one person can perceive (hear, see, feel) something and another cannot, does not necessarily mean that the catalyst for the perception (vibration/ light) does not exist.

Allow me to present an analogy:

A man passes an open door where he views another man sitting on a sofa, eyes closed, and with an expression of great pleasure on his face as he sways back and forth.  The man decides that he would like to experience the same pleasure as the man on the sofa, so he enters the rooms, silently settles down next to the seated man, closes his eyes, and assumes the same facial features, the same swaying movements.  A third man passes by the open door, peers inside and sees, apparently, two men having the same experience.  However, unknown to this third man, the second man is deaf; therefore, unable to hear, he is not aware that the first man is listening to music which enlivens his soul.  Although he sees the facial expressions and movement, he is not able to hear that which is propelling the hearing man’s experience.  Thus, they may be moving in a synchronized manner, yet this second man is just “going through the motions.”  The third man may as yet have no clue that the other two are not sharing the same type of experience.

Another analogy:

A man responds to an ad for a job interpreting Morse code.  He goes to the office and is told to “wait in the other room.”  Entering, he sees several others there before him, obviously waiting for the same interview.  After a few minutes, this man stands up, walks to a closed door, opens it and walks in, closing the door behind him.  Shortly, he exits that same room, a look of accomplishment on his face.  He has obviously just been hired for the job.  Why him?

While the other waiting interview-wannabees have their thoughts obviously elsewhere, this man was not distracted by his thoughts or senses but was peacefully composed and capable of hearing what the others could not.  Quietly, a code had been being tapped which the man had heard, correctly interpreted, and acted upon:  “If you can translate this, then enter into the room on the east.  You have the job.”  The man who received the job was the one “attuned” to hearing that which the other “chattering minds” had blocked out.  His stillness (mental peace) inside allowed for greater acuity of a sense that they probably all shared, but most were stressfully “passed feeling” (hearing).

Years ago, while walking through the crowded foyer following a televised General Relief Society Meeting (held once a year for Mormon women eighteen and older), a non-member friend of a friend commented to me in total sincerity:  “What soap do you Mormons use?”  She was seeing it.  The “Mormon glow” was picked up by her senses.

Many people, especially LDS (“Mormons”) themselves, can travel the world and be pretty accurate in spotting another Mormon.  A prime example is an R. M. (“returned missionary”).  A young twenty-something man who has recently returned from giving his heart, mind and time for two years to serving (he sincerely believes) his “fellow man” while on an LDS mission often has that glow.  He shines.  Truly, it appears that there is a light or something else nearly tangible emanating from him.  He looks clean, peaceful, sincere, happy.  He radiates a light.

Many pictures depicting the one known as “Jesus the Christ” include a halo around his head.  “Mother Mary” usually is portrayed as having that same light.  Angels do too.  So do many other “prophets” and “masters” from other religions and cultures as well.  In fact, the term “Halo Effect” is often used to describe the “glow” that practically shines forth around and within certain beings.  When this effect is witnessed the character is usually expected to be a genuinely trust-worthy person.

Why?  Why some and not others?  Do “Mormons” have a corner on the market of light?  Do all Mormon’s have this glow?  Does no one else?

Let’s dig a little deeper to explain just what this concept is.

Hidden even from most Mormons, in the very book that they believe is “theirs”:   their religion, their “goodness;” lies precious clues.  And these very clues are missed by the Mormons themselves.

One such clue:

According to the Book of Mormon, the Anti-Nephi-Lehies were a group of people who, after a significant change of heart, covenanted that they would never again participate in war.  They chose to bury their weapons, cease their judgments and war-like behavior, even laying down their lives while rejoicing if required (and it later became required) in a changed attempt to peacefully co-exist and represent human kindness to all, even and especially towards those whom they have previously viewed (for many prior generations) as having deeply wronged them and their forefathers. 

What Mormons fail to realize is the great hint Joseph attempted to give them in naming these people with their changed hearts and lives.  Although formerly they had referred to the various factions as “Nephites,” “Lehites” and “Lamanites,” etc., they now had laid down not only their contrived weapons, but also their mental and verbal attempts at division and labeling.  They now shared a new collective NON-Name.  They were “ANTI” group designations, seeing everyone on the planet as their mutual brothers and sisters and all people as belonging to the one human race and included in one global family.  They were NOT “Nephites,” NOT “Lamanites,” NOT Anything-ites.  They now saw themselves as individuals, each a part of the whole global family of man.  Anonymous, if you will.

Along with this one clue regarding a changed heart bringing a lack of judgment and division, Mormons have missed other tremendous clues.  Scriptural phrases abound in the Book of Mormon regarding a new sensory ability being developed.  Like trying to describe sight to one born blind, various phrases have been employed to attempt to whet the initiates’ appetites and give a vision and hope to proceed through to the promised reward:  CHARITY (wisdom with “eyes that see,” “ears that hear”). These various phrases are: “and thus we see,” “thus we see,” “thus we may see,” “we can behold,” “we can see,” and, finally, the descriptive and meaningful “and thus we can plainly discern.”

Mormon, the principle abridger of the Book of Mormon, and the one from which the Mormon nickname derives, employs this phrase in abridging the account of the remarkable conversion of the Lamanites who changed their name to the Anti-Nephi-Lehies. As I shared before, they presented themselves to be slaughtered by their former fellow Lamanites rather than risk offending “God” by using their swords against them. After recording these extraordinary events, Mormon observes:

“And thus we see that, when these Lamanites were brought to believe and to know the truth, they were firm, and would suffer even unto death rather than commit sin; and thus we see that . . . they buried their weapons of war, for peace.”  Mormon goes on to explain that the Anti-Nephi-Lehies “would lie down and perish, and praised God even in the very act of perishing under the sword.” In sharing this significant account of applied faith, Mormon explains:

Now when the Lamanites saw this they did forbear from slaying them; and there were many whose hearts had swollen in them for those of their brethren who had fallen under the sword, for they repented of the things which they had done.

“And it came to pass that they threw down their weapons of war, and they would not take them again, for they were stung for the murders which they had committed; and they came down even as their brethren, relying upon the mercies of those whose arms were lifted to slay them.

Mormon records that “the people of God were joined that day by more than the number who had been slain” and that “those who had been slain were righteous people, therefore we have no reason to doubt but what they were saved.” He then adds, “Thus we see that the Lord worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people.”

Mormon later comments: “And thus we can plainly discern, that after a people have been once enlightened by the Spirit of God, and have had great knowledge of things pertaining to righteousness, and then have fallen away into sin and transgression, they become more hardened, and thus their state becomes worse than though they had never known these things.

Segregation and contention offend conscience (the light of Christ) and often provoke one to assuage conscience through self-justification.  The Book of Mormon story-line starts off with two older brothers, Laman and Lemuel, and continues throughout with their posterity and others justifying their contempt of their brothers in attempts to feel better themselves as well as gain “converts” to their “more correct” actions and perspectives. Mormon sometimes referred to this pattern of self-justification and indoctrination as the incorrect “tradition of their fathers.” Indeed, he records that in an uninterrupted pattern, Lamanite parents had taught their children to hate their cousins over many generations.  They were “better than” others, “puffed up” in the pride and vanity; God’s chosen people.

Repeatedly within the book they hold up as “the most correct book upon the earth,” there are hints given to the setting one’s self or group up as better than another/ others along with justifying further judgment, contentions, alienation.  Ironically, as a Mormon male climbs the ladder of religious “success,” he is given opportunities to be “set apart” (segregated, “puffed up”) as more special, more powerful, given greater and greater “priesthood.”  Little do these “believers” realize that as one separates himself and his family because of religion, culture, socio-economic status, opportunities to learn, political or gender bias, country of origin, capabilities, etc. he is cutting himself off bit by bit from this very “light of Christ” (conscience) that is inherent in all people everywhere at birth.  His “Mormon glow” actually diminishes the farther he “ascends” the ladder of “priesthood authority.”

Yes, Mormon’s have more reason to shine than some others.  They have a great book filled with hints at their disposal.  But, failing to understand HOW to read it, they miss the clues.  Over time, many once-shining Mormons lose their light.  Thus, the “Mormon Glow” fades.  Unknowingly, these very LDS who gravitate largely to the “goodness” of the “white-skinned” people held up throughout the book as the epitome of the followers of Christ, become less and less “white and delightsome” and more “past feeling,” “dark” and “loathsome.”  Until the day when there is utterly “no light within” them.  Paradoxically, they fail to realize that the “dark-skinned” race which they are repeatedly advised to avoid intermarrying refers NOT TO THE COLOR OF THE PHYSICAL SKIN but to the LACK OF AURA/ LIGHT... the SPIRITUAL SKIN.  Their very feelings of superiority (being “God’s Chosen People”) takes away the very light they once had until they are left to their own left-brained, dark devises.

Yes, as their own favored book also warns:  "Blindness comes by looking beyond the mark."  "The mark" refers to assisting "the work of the Father" in joining back together in one equal family unit.  Each and all enjoying global humanity.

How does this happen?  Well, Jesus warned about following leaders and using their eyes to see and chart one’s course in life by.  He warned his followers in Matthew 5 to “pluck out” the eye, or rather, leave the fellowship of one who attempted to “see for them” and guide them to “heaven”, their religious leader. Jesus went on to say that it was better to enter into the kingdom of heaven blind rather than to fall into the ditch with one’s blind guide.

Yet, the very things the current LDS church encourages:  seeking worldly knowledge and educational degrees, the pursuit of money, to be acknowledged as an “honorable man or woman” by society, worldly success and talents, “genealogy work,” temporal beauty, all these “targets” increase one’s stress, confusion, and take away their light.  The very Mormon culture alienates an otherwise “disciple of Christ” from a view of global harmony:  seeing all others as equal, precious, and of one’s true family. 

Although acknowledging that a “perfect brightness of hope” is encouraged within “the Church,” Utah, the Mormon capital of the world, is also the “Prozac capital of the world.”  Innumerable are the Mormon women who put on their “Sunday Faces” yet inwardly are depressed and stressed in attempting to be who they are outwardly dictated to be.

So, are there good, “light and delightsome” people within the Mormon ranks, exhibiting the “Mormon Glow”?  Yes, many, many of them.  They truly are a delight.  However, those with this “Glow” exist everywhere, within many different denominations, and particularly among those who have left any religion and found “the Kingdom of Heaven” within them self. 

Anyone can do this. Again, the Book of Mormon holds clues.  King Benjamin gave this hint:  “When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God.”  While claiming to be “children of God,” the Mormons fail to real-eyes that their very light is amped up by assisting humanity; not for their own personal sense of worth, nor adding numbers to their personal segregated group/ religion, but as benefits all humanity equally.  Truly, the more one learns to trust the light within them self, the greater they can trust that very light and the more it grows, becoming brilliant, clear and expansive.  Palpable.  When a human being grows in “light” and “intelligence” they literally, spiritually, mature and become no more a spiritual “child of God” but a full-fledged adult “Beloved Sun.”  Shining and radiant as their spiritual parent.

My husband remembers two experiences vividly.  The first occurred while talking with a “Hari Krishna” four decades ago in a grocery store parking lot.  He remembers never yet seeing anyone so alive, so radiant.  The second was in conversation with a “Jehovah’s Witness.”  He will never forget the beauty or palpable light of either of them.  Neither can time diminish the feeling he felt in either of their presence.  There are many “spiritually beautiful and alive, white and delightsome” people.  Within any skin tone and every culture and every religion, including the “religion” of atheism.

Seen by some, felt by others, the feeling of JOY, otherwise known as “a perfect brightness of hope” IS an attainable state.  As one truly seeks this reward:  JOY with its counterpart CHARITY, they Will, indeed, eventually find it... if they seek it with ALL their heart.  That is the universal promise.  No matter which religion or absence of religion one finds them self in.  Their journey will end in that brilliant, palpable vibration.  Until then, “eyes that see” WILL see a happy, clean, alive “GLOW” within and surrounding those who have discovered “Heaven” within themselves.

May we each look for the light within each other.  May we each develop our true “eye-sight.”  May we each grow the light within our self... until the entire globe becomes a glowing orb.  A collective “sun” of God, a “Body of Christ”.  Harmonious, Glowing, Humanity.  Namaste’:  the light within me sees and honors the light within you.

My Dearest Tanner, and his beautiful bride, Morgan ~

I acknowledge forthright that it is likely you will not understand what follows.  Risking judgment and misunderstanding, yet knowing for twenty-four and a half years your (Tanner’s) heart, I share my heart.

Though your spirit visited me three years before your official birth in a marvelous preparatory experience; though you announced your forthcoming arrival spirit-to-spirit (Mother’s Day 1992) and I rejoiced with that announcement; though I offered my body (exhaustion, nausea, uncomfortableness) for nine months as you developed within me, then the labor and delivery that gave you life; though I lovingly obliged swaddling and nursing you from my body for another twelve months; though I changed your diapers, wiped your nose, read you story-after-story, held you and soothed you, fed you, taught you, held you more, laughed with and explored this beautiful world with you, loved you unfalteringly…  (All of this and more is tenderly conveyed in my life story), you were physically ripped from me then systematically emotionally stripped from me when you were only ten… still so young, still developing that conscience and your ability to reason on your own.  I then had to watch from the side-lines as I viewed from a distance the implanted stories that superseded and twisted the Real Truth of our relationship.  Though and through all this… I have respected your time table of living your adopted reality.

I have hoped and invited that you would be open enough, or at least sufficiently curious, to investigate “the rest of the story.”  I have spent hundreds of hours writing my autobiography, hoping that, though you were not yet ready to open up your mind and heart to verbally ask me to fill in the many holes in your understanding, offering you another possible alternative view (mine), perhaps you would feel more comfortable to read and consider “My Truth” in solitude.  Perhaps you have judged that my life story would be filled with anger, retaliation, inventions, dishonesty.  If so, then you truly do not know me.  All of your childhood I worked vigilantly to instill within you the creed of respect for all.  I would feel great disappointment if you ever chose to dis-respect your biological father.  Or your grandparents.  Or the LDS Church which you have, with and through them, embraced.  I have not, will not, verbally nor in writing dis-respect them… or anyone.   Yet, if I did not allow the truth of my life to at least be available to be read and considered, I would be violating my own self-respect.  Thus, I have invested those hundreds of hours, dollars, and offered multiple invitations for you to at least consider a viewpoint that you have not yet been fully privy to.

Planned paradox, Jesus’ gospel caused cultural and familial rifts as well.  Joseph’s desired reiteration of the pure gospel did, too.  Indeed, every culture, through many dispensations of time, have allowed for established groups (political, geographical, cultural, familial) to transition and mutate.  July 24^th marks Utah’s celebration of their “pioneers.”  Ironically, those who then choose to “pioneer” to more advanced (at least in their own minds and hearts) levels of truth are ostracized, shunned, and deemed “unworthy” of even being fully included in celebratory occasions… even of their own beloved children.  Now I am judged “not worthy” of fully participating and witnessing you in your self-proclaimed “most important moment of your most important day of your life.”  Yet, I am the one who made that life possible. 

Likewise, though I have adamantly and repeatedly conveyed that I support your decisions in your life, including your decision of who to marry and even where and by whom to marry… you have not offered that same respect to me.  I have not stipulated that you call David (Seely) “dad”.  Respectfully, you could call him any name, I know he would not mind; as long as it was done in respect and while acknowledging that he is, as Morgan is to you, MY partner.   Though it further stabbed my heart and proceeded to place a greater wedge in our relationships, in 2004 you and your siblings were told NOT to call nor refer to ME any longer as “Mommy” but that Jennifer was now granted that title and that she was your "eternal mother."  Yet, even though David (Seely) and I have freely, joyfully, and on multiple occasions offered our home, our food, our love, our respect, etc. to YOU, your siblings and your friends, you choose to not acknowledge nor welcome him except to placate me.  Yes, Our marriage was performed by One to whom you do not give authority.  Yet it (our union) is every bit as “legal” and “lawful” in our God’s eyes as any other.

 The LDS church would say that since I chose to dissociate and later relinquish its authorized temple sealing, then I am no longer a part of your “eternal family unit” after all.  Ironically, it was my inquisitiveness and my open mind, wanting the highest truth possible… at all cost… that led me from my active association with that group, yet allowed me to find that “Pearl of GREAT PRICE.”  I have no regrets whatsoever my thirty-eight years of solid, full-hearted service and membership within the LDS ranks.  Those experiences were profoundly necessary stepping stones for me.  However, I am profoundly grateful that my “broken heart and contrite spirit” allowed me to fully open up to the realization that the pure gospel of Christ that I was intensely seeking membership in had been hi-jacked.   Yet, aware of the tenacious tentacles of any and all “churches,” I have endeavored to primarily allow other individuals, even my own biological children, to spiritually mature and awaken in their own time and way, with just occasional hints and with enduring love and respect for their own spiritual time-line.

Tanner, I raised you to be sensitive, to be respectful, to be my friend.  This is what I want; an equal, respectful relationship.  Gratefully, you freely acknowledged that I have “no malice whatsoever in (my) heart.”  Yet, I do have experience in my heart.  And wisdom made available from deeply pondering on that experience.   I know that temples are the Mormon religion's most sacred places and only Mormons who obey the church's teachings are allowed within. TRULY I understand this… been there, done that… with ALL OF MY HEART!  I know that you hold temple marriage among your most important goals.  I KNOW that Mormons believe a temple wedding seals a marriage for eternity, to last even after death. It is a treasured cornerstone of the faith. I KNOW that your God and your Church Authorities come before me and our relationship.  Yet, the irony is strong:  I have dedicated my life to the search of Real Truth, respect for All, globally living in harmony as ONE (singular) ETERNAL FAMILY of a mutual “Father.”

I know that on this “most important day of your life” you want me to be outside the temple, waiting.  I know that you will come out after the ceremony and look for your mother's smile - a silent assurance that everything is OK.  I know you love me.  I know that, in your own way and clouded by your own experiences and the way those experiences have been programmed into your memory, you believe you are maneuvering through this “most important day of your life” to the best of your ability.  I truly believe that you have thought deeply, weighing all variables and, together with Morgan, come up with what you believe to be the best scenario to create this “most important day of your life” as harmoniously as possible.

Though I have four times before, I can no longer stand and wait outside a place that promises eternal families, but stands between me and my child.  My God would never ask this of a mother, or a son.  My God invites you to make the very best of this “most important day of your life” without my physical presence.  Yes, I will be smiling.  Yes, I will be beaming respect and support of your decision.  Yes, I will gladly welcome Morgan into my heart and home, acknowledging her as your wife, my daughter-in-law.  Your future children will be preciously loved as my grandchildren.  Yet, because of all the judgments and lack of respect and full disclosure of those attending and their smiles of “all’s well in zion, yea, zion prospereth” when I know fully well… it does not (!), my support and smiles will be from a distance.  If you choose to visit, and you are heartily welcomed to… with pure respect and non-judgment…  you and Morgan will be given a simple reception at our dinner table, with our simple thrift-store clothes and home-cooked meal; yet, with unfaltering love for you both.  Husband and wife.  Joining your individual journeys back to a mutual Father in one grand adventure.

Though I had planned on participating to the degree that I was invited and deemed “worthy” in this “most important day of your life,” I had also planned on participating fully from that eventful visit three years prior to your birth and throughout all your childhood… and into and through eternity.  Those plans also were changed.  Though I was there for almost continual 24/7 care and nurturing for your first ten years, I have since been the recipient of the oft-given message that I’m “not worthy” any longer to be included in many things, including your “most important day” as your “mother” and in company with others who respect me and WANT me in their company.

Tanner and Morgan, you have every right to believe and worship according to the dictates of your own conscience (A of F 11).  Also, Matthew 10: 37, a verse that, I believe, you believe, states that: He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me.  Having been where you are now in my beliefs, I understand how you interpret this (and all other holy writ).  I endorse you living in alignment with your interpretation of that, and would not ask you to do otherwise.  Probably you also believe:  “Where two or more are gathered together IN MY NAME there will I be also.” 

No matter your beliefs, your conscience, your perspective, how you interpret “IN MY NAME,” I live my life IN THE NAME OF “CHRIST”… as I KNOW HIM.  I welcome you and Morgan, and anyone else, to visit me, David and Krystal, with respect for each of us and our union… even if you hold differing viewpoints.  Our home will continue to be open to you and your friends… in respect of our mutual perspectives, yet, if desired, a receptive place to laugh, enjoy camaraderie and even mutually engage in open-hearted exploration.  This is what my Christ’s life and gospel is all about.  My life as well.

Tanner, regardless of how you and Morgan choose to read and interpret the words that I have used to portray the deepest yearnings of my heart, I choose to focus on the bond we have had for 24 years.  Even though that bond has been snatched and twisted by others, in my heart a “holographic image” remains.  No one, no church, no outside stories, are going to take that away from me.  I truly believe that, eventually, the reality of that bond will again match its original essence.

Although I have given you very little monetarily or materialistically in preparation for your future life and marriage, like the “Widow’s Mite,” my offerings have been done with great love and honor for you and your choices.  Your life, your earliest foundational experiences, hopefully, have been blessed because of my simple, yet sincere offerings.

I deeply love you both.

I wish you joy on your journey.

I welcome you with joy when you choose to respectfully acknowledge MY union with David, ME as your mother.  In my heart, you will never, could never, be ex-communicated from my eternal family unit nor disassociated if that association is participated in with mutual respect.

Warmly, tenderly, enduringly, unfaltering, “I charity you.”  Mom

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY... to My *Beloved*

Today marks the "Third Anniversary" of my union with the one known as "David Seely." Although MUCH more will be written and revealed... in time... I share my heart in the following words... for now:

Though some--with their own selfish agendas of misery and division--view our union as no "marriage,"

Yet, Those Who Truly KNOW--see our union as having taken a (would-be) *MAN* who Was superficially married, yet truly single, lonely, adulterated, artificial, temporally-fixated, and through the application of great love in the form of intense heat and in the furnace of affliction at times, has warmed, expanded, broken, healed, exposed, broken some more, re-aligned, and caused to bring forth a truer harmony, a richer spirit, a far greater treasure... in a more precious heart.

That which had been fake, pretend, polluted, incongruous with the Real Truth of Your Soul has been purged.

And there, in its place, no matter how it's perceived, defined, judged by any others, you are finding Your Self:
A true marriage within You.
A union of purified characteristics.
A wholeness.
Unique, yet ultimately capable of being needed, used, and in union with Me.
And all Those who, likewise, have married Them Self to become Single, Whole, One.

For ten weeks now, You have given me a heart daily. You have created physical representations--with paper, pen, and scissors--of the phenomenon of your discovery of Love:

a deeper, purer, wholesome Love. For Me...

and, thus, for all of humanity...

but only because that which had been fractious, adulterated, unwise and selfish compassion, has been discovering and ascending into Love with your True Being.

THIS MARRIAGE--of your distinct qualities within Your Heart--has allowed a deeper, purer, more intimate, more True Union of what had previously been 2 hearts.
Yours. + Mine. Now = Ours. One.

Your marriage with *You* has allowed Our marriage to come forth, blossom, bear fruit.
May you eternally continue to hold to Your purity, Your divinity, and thus, to Me... and All That Is.
Forever. And Always. And Eternally, Kimberly/Sophia

A woman can only be a True "Help Meet"
for a (would-be) man,
when she stands taller,
sees farther,
and with the leverage of being the mountain upon which they both are ascending, she reaches down, exerts strength far beyond her own, and lifts him up to stand fully beside her.
Merging as One.

This is Marriage.
This is Love.
This is for Eternity.

A man must let go of his desire to be singled-out as "worthy," "good," "honorable," through his own devises, humble himself completely, becoming pliant, bendable, weak, foolish, submissive, to arrive at a place of strength, union, oneness, marriage, utilizing his unique contribution no longer for individual notoriety, but for the Good of All. This is True Marriage. This is the recipe for a Real *Gentle* Man.

A couple is a single entity.
Not made up of two halfs,
but of two wholes.

1 + 1 = ONE

and they... and the entire world...
are blessed.

The only way to discover your Self
is to commit suicide to your self.

The only way to find your life
is to lose your life
in the service of others.

For a man to devote himself...
completely...
to his woman
is to devote himself...
deeply...
to the betterment of the entire world.

For she, then, can devote herself...
completely...
to the children...
and their children...
and theirs.

And, thus, the carnal earth is transformed into Eden.
Paradise resumes.

Man finds him Self:
One Spiritual entity composing
two physical bodies: male and female.
One God. A singular Couple.
Indeed,
"God"
performs the "marriage,"
in the "garden,"
of "Adam" and "Eve".
A united, single, whole "Couple" is born.

Cupid's Arrow

  

It is possible, if not highly probable, that this Valentine Gift of Love will not reach its intended mark.  Like an archer whose arrow takes perfect aim, yet the target de-materializes midst the arrow’s flight, this post, my Cupid’s Arrow, may likewise, not reach its mark.  Yet, perhaps, there is another object, another heart, which lies directly behind the original target.  Perhaps this investiture of my time, love, energy and intense hope will not be in vain.  Perhaps, upon dematerialization of my arrow’s target, another, more appropriate target, will materialize.

Regardless, this Valentine Gift of Love is not given for its intended mark alone.  This Valentine Gift of Love is given as a symbol of my investiture of time, love, energy and intense hope… in the arrow itself.  The “arrow,” the Truth which I send out via recorded “word,” like a “sword of truth,” has the power to divide asunder the hardest and most impenetrable matter in existence… a closed heart.  Though my “aim” is my and my Beloved’s *Children,* perhaps others may be “adopted in” and become “heirs” to the blessings of my “arrow”.  Thus, my hope may not be in vain after all.  Thus, my investiture of time, love, and energy will fulfill the “measure of its creation”.

So, in dedication:

This post (including those that follow) is written from the depths of my being, the purest and most intimate “Holy of Holies” of my Soul, for:

*YOU*

Specifically, the biological as well as spiritual offspring of David and I:  My *Target.*

~~~~~

Because they do not understand him presently, yet those same individuals in times past would have ardently declared that they knew him well, David’s biological children have brought much self-declared “heart-break”, “hell” and “misery” upon themselves.  Though it would have brought me great JOY to assist in their emotional healing, none of them have allowed themselves as yet to approach me.  Instead, they have utilized their current viewpoints and those that they have chosen to “see” for them and “interpret truth” for them, thus bringing about even greater and deeper “hell” and “heart-break” for themselves.  Their fear, judgments and closed minds have damned up what could have been beautiful flowing experiences and relationships for both themselves and their children.  Yet, because they have thus far operated from spiritual blindness and acted from their ignorance, I freely and completely forgive their judgments and actions towards and on account of me. 

However, again, this post is my attempt today to offer David’s (and my) biological children a way out of their misery and self-delusion.  My profound hope is that they will read my words with “sincere intent” in an effort to scientifically, faithfully, and integrously “test” the veracity of it… just as they desire others to “test” their beloved Book of Mormon.  (Moroni 10:4: "And when ye shall receive these things [the Book of Mormon], I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask (1) with a sincere heart, (2) with real intent, (3) having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.")

I will, in time, reveal why I now refer to my “Beloved” as “David” instead of the name that he has been known as by most: “Dave.”  “Dave” no longer applies.  (For now, ponder on the first and second tokens of the LDS Temple Endowment.)  Bear with me, though.  For now, as you read, realize that I mean the same man.  Or rather, the one that you believe represents your mortal father.  In truth, as your broken heart realizes and cries out, “he” no longer exists.  It is this man, or your understanding of who he was and your memories of who you believe he was, that has been transformed.  Though you “think” you want him back, if you could just open your hearts, stretch the sinews of your mind, you just might, in time, realize that this “resurrection” of his which could allow for a new and more correctly defined relationship with him, might bring you even more joy, more hope, more personal happiness than the former “daddy” ever did or could.

Yet, David, my “Beloved” and your transformed “daddy” cannot deny how his life has changed.  If you were to sincerely hear his heart, you would be struck with the profundity of his words.  He was “miserable” before meeting and “transforming”… with me.  He was “lonely”.  He was cut off to anyone emotionally.  He was “acting” and “pretending” to be the person that he thought he was “supposed to be” in life; the man that his parents, culture, peers, religion had “programmed” him to be.  Though he did, indeed, enjoy precious moments with you, and it is this representation of your relationship with him that you mourn, because he was not living true to who he really was, his character was a “lie” and, thus, any and all relations he had with anyone else were “adulterous” and illusions based upon that lie.

In time, I will publish a book detailing much more of his experience and transformation.  Incrementally, in my blog, I will post his journey.  Today’s Valentine Gift, though, will be relatively brief.  It is my Valentine Gift to him in an attempt to initiate and promote the healing of our precious children.  Please, if you have been brought to this point of reception, please continue to allow your heart to expand and continue to read… with real intent.

~~~~~

Two years ago, I published a post entitled:  “When Nature Wants a Man” and implored all to read and ponder it.  (See my blog post of February 12, 2015.)  I truly thought at that time that I would be allowed to expound upon the as yet unrevealed truths regarding becoming fully human.  But I was stopped.  The time was not yet ripe.  It is now.  Today is the day.  Today’s post marks the end of David’s *21-Day-Challenge,* a day of momentous change for all humanity.  Truly, Nature wants a “Man.”  The time is now.  There is much to reveal, many to have their hope enlivened.  I again implore each of you to read and ponder the inspired poem that I will now begin to expound upon, using both the words of “Christ” in Matthew 5, 6 and 7 and Dave/ David as an example: “When Nature Wants a Man.”

On this holi-day in our culture when hearts are expanding and reaching out, may YOURS warmly expand.  May YOU give to YOURSELF the gift of allowing YOU to be within my arrow’s range.  I invite you to (1) with a sincere heart, (2) with real intent, (3) having faith in Christ read my blog posts (even my books when they become available).  Meet with your father and I in the same spirit.  Do NOT try to “change him back.”  You will only bring upon yourself more “misery.”  Instead, Allow him to manifest HOW he is a “changed man” with a new heart.  WHY he has chosen to “never go back” to who he used to be.  And, most of all, WHO HE IS and WHO YOU ARE.

The promise:  JOY 100 times beyond the level of “heart-break,” “misery,” and “hell,” which you have until now experienced; the “full measure of YOUR creation.”

With a love you do not yet fully understand, Kimberly… AND David.

P.S.  Please stay tuned for further installments…